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Dear Ellie

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Here I will answer some of your most pressing questions, dishing out advice as is often necessary when one finds themselves in the pickles to which we are all prone to from time to time.

Please send your e-mails full of your most troublesome worries for inclusion on this page so that more people can benefit from the straight talking wisdom of Ellie Bellie. <">‘Dear Ellie’ letters will also be included in the newsletter, now there’s a bonus for you direct to your inbox.

 

Unfortunately I cannot enter into private correspondence on these matters of delicate nature, as I haven’t got enough time for you.

 

But if you would like to sign up for the newsletter you can pretend that it’s regular correspondence direct to yourself if you want.

 

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Dear Ellie

My feline companion keeps bringing in presents for me dead birds, mice and other furry objects. How can I prevent her from doing this?

From Anonymous

Dear Anonymouse,

 

Thank ewe for e-mailing me at my Dear Ellie desk, mm. Firstly, I would like to point out to you that you are not as anonymouse as you think you are, because your e-mail is set to display your name, so I saw it when it arrived in my inbox, mm. You may want to consider changing it if you have concerns for stranger-danger on the net, yez.

 

Secondly,  I do know who you are so I shall probably have ‘two git ewe’ mm – onlee jokeeng – but I know that you are a human.  It would be helpful for all enquirers to state what breed of being they are so that I can better differentiate between the myriad of problems that each species may encounter. For example, ‘I am human’, or ‘I am an alien’, or ‘I am a kitty cat’. Your age will also help matters somewhat, it’s true.

 

Moving on, this is a very common question amongst humans about their feline companions and so I am glad that you asked me this question and I can get on my soap-box, mm. Now down to business, that of my opinion. Really, if you cannot accept us kitties as we are, you don’t deserve to reside with us. Do we turn our noses up at you because you are smelly creatures, only washing once or twice a day? No, we don’t, we accept you unconditionally without trying to change you, no. 

 

I feel ‘anonymouse’ a little sad for you that at the heart of this matter seems to be your ingratitude for what you are given.  It’s all ‘I want this, I want that’ nowadays, without the true appreciation for the thoughts that count and this desire can only lead to heartache,  for you can never have everything your own way.  You’re probably a bit controlling in that respect aren’t you?

 

So, there is no prevent about it, it is your attitude which needs to change, and by doing so you will soon live in complete happiness with your undoubtedly beautiful feline companion, mm.

 

May I also suggest that you change your font? It’s very boring and suggests that you lack creativity, be adventurous anonymouse, this will help you to open your mind a little more to new opportunities, thank ewe for asking.

 

Luv de Bellz

Dear Ellie: 

I am using my mom“s email so my identity will remain anonymous.  Here is my very troublesome situation.  For the past 8 days my so called "loving" mom has been coming home with the idea of bringing home another one of our specimen.  She is becoming attached to this so called cat because she walks by this vet/pet shop every day and sees him/her there every time.  I know she stops and talks to it.  I can hear her voice all the way from MY home.  I know that today, when she walks by this shop, if this infamous cat is still there she will bring it home.  I know it! I do not know what to do, or how to react, or how to make her stop!!!! She“s out of control. 

I can“t take the pressure.  What can I do?

Thank you

Desperate myspace kat

Well a hurried reply was obviously needed for this poor little kitty, I got onto this one right away.

 

Dear Desperate, 

Pooh, pooh, poopity, pooh, what a calamity conundrum ewe find yourself in! I can quite sympathise with you, mm, terrible. When will those humans get the message that us cats are not pack animals? We need our space– the internet is quite perfect for our interactions rather than living in each others pockets – this is why the arrangement between Pūnkass and I suits us just fine, mm.

 * paws on hips *

from where I’m standing (which is by my desk) I have seen that there are 5 options for you to select from with tactics that you could employ to ease your troubles, mm

  1. This is very boring, try talking to your mum, and tell her that you don’t want this impostor, and put your paw down quite heavily to hammer this home.
  2. Failing this perhaps tell her that would like to be kept apart from this newbie for a little while so it isn’t a shock to the system, and that way you can sniff the air and get a sense of what the blighters bum might smell like without having to resort to coming face to face with it just yet. Humans don’t always understand our wails, so if the talking fails I suggest that you resort to the behavioural options.
  3. The first one I have already mentioned, pooh, yez, everywhere you can, pooh behind the tv, behind the sofa, by the door, in the human's beds, pooh left right and centre. That will draw much attention to your dilemma. mm
  4. Then swiftly moving onto the forth option we shall go and that is spraying, pee pee here, pee there – this message worked very well when my now departed brother did it, it disrupts the human’s activities no end, mm – just lift your little tail and aim and fire, mm – up and down they’ll be from their seats with their cleaning utensils, tutting and moaning in exasperation whilst you snigger comfortably from behind the sofa.
  5. Fifthly, you could try being friendly straight away, mm, it often saves a lot of time in the long run, you could say ‘halo leetull impostor’ and grimace sweetly, like a smile, then when the humans back is turned, get a good grip on the blighter’s  ear and say ‘listen hear EWE (hiss the ewe) ewe better doo as ewe rrr towld otherwise eye will GIT ewe’ mm that could work quite well.

 Please do keep us updated on this dilemma Desperate, we are all thinking ov ewe at this time

 

Luv de Bellz

 

P.S. I love your font, it’s sooo easy to read, mm.

 

Disclaimer

 

Well for goodness sake, this is for entertainment purposes only, none of my ‘Dear Ellie’ responses are intended to be for anything other than fun and smiles, but I know what you drattid Americans are like for suing everyone willy nilly in an attempt to make a fast buck and us sour faced British are fast catching up on that one too, tsk.
 
If you really have a problem I suggest that you either start using your gumption and take responsibility for yourself instead of blaming everyone else for your problems or perhaps you might like to make a spectacle of yourself for my entertainment and go on Jerry Springer, Ricky Lake, Tricia or the Jeremy Kyle show, I love these shows, and I'm sure that they they will soon sort out your woes, yez, there, there.

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Pics by Sims/Scozz/Devonx unless otherwise indicated

Thanks to Lee and all of Pūnkass and Ellie's friends for their inspiration!

Ellie Bellie and Pūnkass ©  2005 copyright Sims&Devonx