January 22^nd 2005

Well it finally happened. The people who live in my house have decided that it is time to practice "Tough Love" and have grounded me until I agree to obey some new house rules. According to them, I have been on a "tour of terror" for years ...ok, I admit I have been running amok and causing havok a long long time, but NOW they decided to crack down? I argued with them for hours that they have been enabling me to act this way all along (hey, I watch Dr. Phil, too ) so therefore it is their own fault that they can't control me. But then they reminded me who feeds me...and that the buffet and free rent can stop anytime. Can't argue with that. So now I am sulking in my bedroom and decided to join Myspace and find out if there are other cats like me who are being treated this way.

They tried to explain to me the rules are for my own good and WHY I was being grounded. Apparently it is inappropriate to sneak through someone else's cat flap in the middle of the night, eat food off their counter, play in their potted plants and then jump on their humans' bed and cuddle up in between them. Despite indications to the contrary, evidently humans are capable of distinguishing me from their own cats by weight alone. I have also been informed that it is disloyal to live with 2 families that don't know each other.

So here is the list of thier demands"

1. I am not to do anything (else) that warrants having the police called on me. ...or I will be sent to a research lab.

2. I cannot sit on top of the armoire by the door with my ears back and in aerodynamic triangle head postition then make a run for the door like a furry torpedo when the pizza delivery person arrives.

3. I will not climb the foam padding on the recording studio walls and walk
sideways along the ceiling. (I am told that it is disconcerting to the people in the room. Where am I supposed to practice my MATRIX MOVES????)

4. I will not go psycho-cat and leap up onto the swivel desk chair. They said I am too fat, and I will knock it over .

5. I will not jump on my human's desk or use the computer keyboard as a launch pad (which I know I am not supposed to do) resulting in my human spraying me with water, just so I can get a refreshing drink to lick off myself.

6. They say kitchen cupboards are where food lives, not cats. Ditto the fridge. These areas are now off limits to me. So are the dishwasher and dryer. (**** UH!!! ****)

7. I can no longer freak out the people by staring at the wall for absolutely no reason, causing them to believe the house is haunted . Nor can I puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after they have just finished a horror movie.

8. When they are practicing kung-fu or any other martial art and are in 'the zone', I will not leap at him/her. And they want me to especially agree that I won't sulk because they scared me when they nearly kicked me through the wall.

9. I am not allowed to hide from them. (I will agree to this but still hide when I hear words like "dunce-cap" , "kitty jail" , "these will fit my cat" and " kitty prozac".

10. They also told me I not a big horned sheep, I do not need to harm anyone, or knock food out of their hands, in the process of head-butting.

11. I cannot seek, maim and kill blue jeans as if they are my evil mortal enemy.

12. I am to limit my period of schizophrenic hyper-activity to only six hours (as opposed to the current practice of ten hours, That means no more late night "running of the cat").

13. The reminded me that I have never been thrown against a wall or tortured when picked up so I won't ever again howl like a banshee and shred their chest when they attempt to cuddle with me. I especially won't expect them to allow free access to the lap fifteen minutes later when I decide it is OK to cuddle now.

14. Biting is not an acceptable form of communication.

15. No more streaking in the front yard.

16. I am a cat and have no need of an education, I have to stay off the schoolbus from now on.

17. I will not prop myself up in a persons lap to reach my rear because I am too fat and can't reach it when sitting on the floor and then later act insulted when people joke about my weight.


***rolls eyes*** Whatever. I countered their list with one of my own. I live here too! They have forgotten how stubborn I am but I agreed to agree to their list if they agree to mine. Lets see who gives in first. I haven't even played the cute card yet.

MY Demands:

1. I want to be able to continue to lick all the glue off of all of the envelopes I can find.

2. I will agree that if I must bite, I will give fair warning first.

3. I will continue to abuse my power of becoming invisible or walking through walls. Alternatively, I will NOT explain to you how I can disappear for hours or find my way into or out of a closed room. This will forever remain my secret. I was planning to tell you but now I am not.

4. I want to be able to hide in my person dads backpack.

5. I don't like it when the girl is on the phone at two in the morning, I know it is rude for me to put my paw on her mouth to get her to be quiet so I can sleep but it is also rude to keep me awake. I demand some respect for my sleeping habits.

6. Even though I know you people are not my mother reincarnate, I still want to climb into your lap ( when I am ready, of course) , and suck your clothing and move my paws in a vain attempt to relive my kittenhood.

7. BUT I am not a baby that needs to be burped. Therefore, I do not need to be held on someone's shoulder like one, especially not for hours at a time (especially no walking around the house patting me and talking baby talk to me). From now on I am allowed to stiffen up my body and stick my legs straight out everytime you pick me up because when I go limp you flop me over your shoulder like a baby.

8. I AM required to sit on top of the fridge and bat the top of your head every time you pass by. I am a cat. That's what I do.

9. I will be allowed to sniff at my person dads feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odors.

10. If I run through the house with a condom wrapper, tampon etc in my mouth, remember whos fault it really is for leaving them where I can get to them.